But I know these are all irrational thoughts. I know James was suffering so deeply that he couldn't see anything else. I know that his pain and self hatred was all encompassing and he couldn't see beyond it. He couldn't see the pain he would cause. So how can I be angry with him? How can I be mad at my big brother who was silently suffering and bearing such a heavy load on his own? I can't. I just can't stay mad at him.
So as December 1st rapidly approaches I feel this immense weight. I almost feel as if the day is going to repeat itself and again, there is nothing I can do to stop it. Nothing I can say. Nothing I can do. It's already happened. It can't be undone. Even as I relive it, I can't change the outcome. So I just have to watch it happen again and continue to live with the consequences.
And for me, worse than experiencing the sadness and loss myself is seeing those I love so much experiencing it again. Seeing my family members suffer is just so hard. I just want everyone to be well. I want those I love most to be happy. I want their suffering and sadness to be over. I want to be able to change the reality for them and take away their hurt. But I can't.
As my sister wrote a couple weeks ago, it feels like at the year mark something should change. For the past year we've been counting the months leading up to this. But even after a year, he's not coming back. Even after a year, it's still going to hurt. Even after a year, our family isn't healed. It's not all right and it's not going to be. And though the eternal perspective helps lessen the blow, for now it is what it is. The situation here on earth can't be changed and we just have to continue on. Continue on and try to pick up the pieces. Try to put ourselves and our family back together. Try to remember the good and forget the bad. Try to fill the voids in each of our lives with something different. And while all of that sounds simple, it's much easier said than done.
4 comments:
Thanks for sharing. While I don't know how you feel exactly, I know of the anger and how things won't be healed until much later. I've thought a lot these same things over this past year. My heart is full for your family and I hope that you know we love and pray for you!! And irrational or not, those thoughts are part of the process, I think. I am just so sorry!
Oh, you have been SO MUCH BETTER at expressing than I have in the last year.
A few weeks ago I was where you are now... Angry. So Angry, and I couldn't stop. So I just let it be. I let my self be angry and hurt and mad, and after a while, as with the rest of the grieving process, it faded into something else. Denial? Bargaining? I'm not really sure where I'm at now, but what else can we do, but remind what we know is true, remember the good things, and cry (I've been doing a lot of that lately). I LOVE YOU! Call me whenever!
I appreciate your honesty in sharing these thoughts. Though I can't know exactly how you feel, and I can't imagine how painful your grief is, I dread the year mark, too. December feels like a very dark month to me, and I just don't want to relive that time of year, as irrational as that is. I am so sorry that your family has to go through this. So, so sorry.
Kristen, I am thinking about you and your family. I still think of you as one of my truest friends so let me know if you EVER need to talk.
Post a Comment