I've been thinking about James a lot the last few months. After visiting my family in July I was again struck all the ramifications of his death. It's heartbreaking in so many ways. Having all our family together, except him. Seeing his beautiful family without him. Feeling his absence at his son's blessing. Seeing his oldest daughter draw a picture of him and tell me how she misses him. Knowing his kids aren't getting to know their daddy. Seeing my sweet sister-in-law, a widow and single parent so young. Seeing my parents still hurting and searching for healing. When I look around me all I can think is this is not how it should be.
With each passing month I mentally tally another month passed since December 1st. I guess the counting will continue - days turned into weeks, weeks into months, and soon I'll be counting in years. It's been almost 9 months since James died and the ugliness of what's happened hasn't dissipated. I don't think it ever will. Each time I think about my big brother and what happened I can hardly believe that it's true, that it actually happened. It just seems like a bad dream, a nightmare. We now have a better understanding of why James took his own life and still have that eternal perspective to give some measure of peace, but the tragedy of what happened last December is still so very real. Time may heal some, but it can't change what happened. We miss James terribly and wish everyday that somehow this reality could be changed.
I had a dream about James awhile back. I don't really remember what was happening or where we were, I just remember the joy I felt in seeing him. I felt such joy to be reunited with him and have with there with all my family. To see his big tall frame, bright smile and all his funny mannerisms was just so wonderful. All was just as it should be. I can't help but think that if I felt such joy seeing him in dream then what an immense joy we will all feel when we are finally reunited with him after this life.
We miss him so much, but what can we do? We can press on. We press on knowing that this isn't the end. While it's heartbreaking for us here on earth, we know that he's safe now, free from his intense anguish and able to work out what he needs to without worldly constraints holding him back. Somehow, someway things will be made right and our family will be whole again.We will get to be with our brother, son, husband, father and friend again. What a beautiful truth that is.
So today on his birthday, I'm remembering James. The selfless, funny, determined, hard working and good man who is my brother James. The memories I have with him. The things James taught me and the good example he was to me.
Happy Birthday James.
6 comments:
Thanks for sharing. Love you!
Beautiful post Kristen, I am sorry for your family's pain.
I read this at work and had to hide my little tears. Thank you for writing this!
You've got me crying at the laundromat. Thanks a bunch... It was good talking to you today.
And by thanks a bunch, I'm serious. I try to write things like this, but I have the hardest time finding the words. You have a way with words that express my feelings as well.
Thank you...you said it all so very well. I have had dreams like that where all is well because James is with us. I am grateful to know that it will be like that again...but the here and now is a little more difficult.
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