Unexplainable

It's mind blowing how quickly things can change. In a minute everything you deem normal and take for granted can be gone. Blink, and in an instant everything can change. 

Early this morning we got the most horrible news. Last night my oldest brother took his own life. He walked out the door and didn't come back. It's incomprehensible. It's unexplainable. 

My heart aches, but not for myself. People ask how I am, and I'm ok. I'm saddened beyond words, but my heart doesn't ache for my personal loss. 

I ache for my brother. I ache for the pain he was feeling, yet none of us could fully see. I ache for the hopelessness he must have felt and the terrible things he must have thought. I ache for experiences he will never have and the years he will not live. I ache for the many joyous events he will miss. 

I ache for his dear wife and two daughters. I ache for my nieces the father they hardly knew and for the unborn child, who will never meet his/her father. I ache for their forever changed lives. I ache for the way they lost him and the the pain my sister-in-law must be feeling. I ache for her new reality and for the months and years of healing ahead. I ache for the memories that will not be made.

I ache for my parents. I ache for my mom and dad who will have to bury their first born child, their little boy. I ache for the pain they are feeling and the harsh realities they are facing. 

I ache for the hole in our family. It's a void that will and can never be filled. I ache for the way our family will always feel incomplete when we are gathered together.

James will always be my brother. He will be remember for the many many good things in his 28 years, not this horrible, terrible ending. Families are forever and we will all be together again. While this loss feels so permanent right now, it is just a temporary separation. Our family will be complete again, if only in heaven. 

Right now, all I can do is ask for your prayers. Especially prayers for my sister-in-law Mandy, my nieces Amelia and Lucy, and my parents as they deal with the realities of this tragedy.